Cancer Diaries -1
The thing about cancer is, the pain comes in waves. Not the kind of waves you would enjoy or jump at, on the beaches of Goa or the Andamans. But just ridiculous high tide that would wash you away if you didn’t run away from it. The only difference is that you can’t run away from it.
It is often said, that cancer patients are the bravest people of them all, but when I say I am not, I speak for myself, I am not brave. I am a wuss, I chicken out, I look for solace, peace and painlessness in my dose of morphine derivatives and opioid derivatives. I am always looking to hide from these waves, they scare me, they petrify me, they shake me to the core. I often crouch, bury my face in the pillow and weep because the pain is unbearable. Yet, I am called brave, I am called a fighter, I keep wondering how am I brave? I keep thinking to myself, if this is what bravery is, I don’t want to be brave ever. This bravery is taking a toll on my physical, mental and financial health, which is very difficult for me to bear.
The decision, in the end, rests on me if I’d want to be brave or braver or bravest. Bravest would be just let the cancer cells take over my body and ultimately me succumbing to it, but that is a morbid thought I’d leave for later. Would that be the bravest thing to do? Considering how the world sees suicide as a selfish and very cowardly act.
Today, I had my last chemotherapy before the surgery, yes a surgery. The thought itself petrifies me, how does one not get anxious, how does one keep oneself distracted? I’ve tried all the tricks in the world but hasn’t helped, so I’ve just given up and now I am just like “jo hoga dekha jayega”, “Que sera sera”, whatever will be will be.
But the amount of love, prayers and positive vibes I’ve been getting online and through friends is just astounding and that is what gives me the strength to face it, maybe not as bravely as people would think I would but still face it I shall, I must, for the sake of the mother, for HIM, the friends who love me to bits and have been rallying behind me and most importantly for myself. So many things still left to do, so many things still left to see, so many things still left to cook, so many unfulfilled dreams and so many questions unanswered. Until then, keep smiling, keep winning, keep owning the days and enjoy this life because it is a wonderful world (no matter what people say). Also, a new episode of the podcast coming soon, so stay tuned.